Dear Black Enterprising Women: When "No" Shouldn't Be "No"

There are two questions that I'll almost always say no to:

1. Random barter requests
2. An overly-generous amount of complementary products for an event

I will not say no for being paid for my work.

"Who would?!"  Many women in business are replying with that word often, and at one time, that woman was me.  By denying compensated opportunities, I missed out on the resource to sow back into my business, I neglected my purpose, and I risked not having relationships with other enterprising black women.  So why did I say no?  Ugh!  I don't know.  But I did, and had to face it, fight it, and go through to overcome it.  Fear.

Consistently saying no comes from a place of fear, and usually in a form of false objections.

At the core of the vast majority of the black community, lies some form of fear - planted, cultivated, flourished and flourishing.  It is the hinderance that tries to prevent overall growth.  How do we get it?  Oftentimes, it is generational and each individual transfers the haunting feeling through the home, and out the door fear goes to befriend those in the community, locally and remotely.  Be it through  a frightening artistic scene depicted by Dante, heavily spoon-fed into the consciousness of many, who pay or do good deeds to avoid that scene, a seed is planted. Through interpersonal interactions in adult-child relationships, a seed is planted. For example, the other night I was watching Blackish, and my husband and I took note of this scene: Diane, a very expressive, matter-of-fact child, intelligently explained to her grandmother the reasons she (grandmother) was more of a Republican and not a Democrat.  'I will slap the taste out of your mouth', was the retort.  It was laughable, and in many black viewers' homes it was laughable, because it was gravely familiar.  Likewise, through the societal situations many are put into/choose, and the "I'm doing this because I love you" preventive measures that are thrust upon others to comply with "You better not do it!", seeds are planted.  I like how brother Coates speaks on this matter,

     "The crews, the young men who'd transmuted their fear into rage, were the greatest danger.  The crews walked the blocks of their neighborhood, loud, and rude, because it was only through their loud rudeness that they might feel any sense of security and power."  "...And I knew mothers who belted their girls, but the belt could not save these girls from the drug dealers twice their age. ...cracked jokes on the boy whose mother wore him out with a beating in front of his entire fifth-grade class. ...some girl whose mother was known to reach for anything-- cable wires, extension cords, pots, pans. We were laughing, but I know that we were afraid of those who loved us most...." (Ta-Nehisi Coates - Between the World and Me). 

Furthermore, let-downs and the insecurities from rejection generates fear. Fear-nurturing seeds have a way of springing up when least expected, and at times, many of us unknowingly nurtured those seeds, varing in degrees within each of us.  Wheather affected directly or indirectly, a part of the grim flower wants to choke out the growth that has a desire to bloom.

Isolation

A woman entrepreneur who limits her reach by not building business relationships with other women producers, stunts the growth of her business.  When new in business, she has the attention of many consumers, so she might feel quite comfortable and confident in that merchant-customer relationship.  Enters the season of slow business (it comes, and quite often for ALL levels of business, but the micro-producer feels it to the bones), and as a creator, her idle hands causes a feeling of despondency.  She might have never considered that consumers cannot always be counted on.

When "Yes" Left My Mouth

Consider the rich, amber, ooey-gooey sweet treat called honey.  The flowers that call out to the bees are not directly located by the hives, they have to be sought.  The gathered pollen does not miraculously turn into honey, the bees have to put in the work.

During an interview, I was asked, "When did you begin seeing more and better growth in your business?" When I started saying yes. Sure, not every good decision yielded a lucrative outcome, because variances do exist.  But saying no certainly did not make room for my gifts/work either.  Yes made it possible for me to learn how to understand my work's value more, instead of flatly turning down opportunities out of fear, I learned how to negotiate, and I gained understanding of how to say no smartly.  I am gratefully aligned with women producers, and we make money together, to keep our creative endeavors and priorities (family, business, community) in motion.

You can't make it to the sweet-spot without the work.  Success is not found in the comfort-zone of fear.

Why This Post

I recently saw my past reflection in another sister entrepreneur.  I reached out to her proposing a collaboration - offering compensation for her work and a creator's fee.  The proposal was written in detail (questions, etc.), therefore, it required a detailed response.  Although she replied with, "Yes", the details were not filled in.  From my experience and observation of others, an "I changed my mind" was coming.  After asking her if more time was needed to reach a firm decision, and to reply to me by the afternoon to come to an agreement, she answered yes to both.  Well, I heard from her at eleven o'clock PM (LOL), and her answer wasn't a flat out no, it was (what did I mention up top?) a false objection.  I saw it.  I understood it.  So instead of closing the door (we really need to stop counting each other out, and cutting each other off so quickly), I gave her another option (giving her no immediate monetary gain) that would fit better in the comfort-zone.  We are moving forward.  I love you sista.

We are all at different stages, and we are ALL still learning, growing, and healing.

Circulation Of The Almighty BLACK Dollar

The Buy Black and Support Black Business, geared towards black consumers, are very good movements, overall.  However, many black women who are producers are depending solely on the dollar coming in from that direction.  "Well, can't we count on our people?!"  We absolutely can.  A black consumer is a consumer, and consumers consume from everyone - some are more loyal than others, and you can most certainly count on them, but not necessarily when you need them, and black merchants need them pretty much all the time (consider the season(s) of slow business).

"In the morning sow your seed, And in the evening do not withhold your hand; For you do not know which will prosper, Either this or that, Or whether both alike will be good." (King Solomon - Ecclesiastes 11:6)

Connecting with other black women producers, circulating money with other black women  producers, and nurturing other black women producers, will help you, us, and the community thrive.


Discipline the mind to see the big picture of growth within all your endeavors, without fear.


Let me hear you out
I would like to generate dialogue on these posts.  What are your thoughts? Leave a comment below, and/or, check Your Thought below.



Be Whole,
Itiel

Why I Sent Paula a Visa Gift Card for Her Needs

Update August 7, 2016: ....Paula Brown passed away on August 1, 2016 due to illness. This money is needed because she had no insurance policy at all. The money will allow me to have a funeral for My Mom... Please click over to help Quincy, Paula's son, raise money, here. Additionally, ALL PROCEEDS from today's orders will be donated to this family. I have already sent out a message to select customers.  But if you would like to be a part of it, send email here smellgoods@smellgoodspa.com

At the beginning of 2015, I started Shop.Share.Tag.WIN!. The instructions for that campaign was shipped with all orders. Instructing Smell Gooders to snap a picture of their order, and post it on social media tagging us. Monthly winners received their choice of a Signature Fragrance Oil or Signature Hand-Dipped Incense.

When planning that campaign, I thought: here we are asking shoppers to spend their money with us, help with our brand recognition, influence friends to shop with us, and receive free product they enjoy....but what else can be done...

I went back to my business mission: Our mission is to produce fine, quality products; encourage women consumers to seek healthier options in bath and body care and aromatic home products; be a positive tool in the community through empowerment and philanthropy. 

Fill a need

Right then, it was decided to send a $25 Visa Gift Card to one of the participants. The gift card wasn't subterfuge, but the altruistic duty to be good to those who are good to my business. The majority of the people within my community can use a bit of positive help to fill their needs.

At the end of 2015, the drawing took place. I was so excited with the knowing that someone would have a little extra. It happened to be Paula!

Paula is filling this need (and I love it): 

Message:
Packing up items to give away, at the young age of 8, I said, "Well, I don't want this anymore, so I'll give it away." My grandmother quickly expressed and planted a seed in me that took root... Well you should keep it, because when giving to others, you should not do it because you no longer want it. 

The best intentions are laid out before us when embarking on an entrepreneurial journey. Then... Hard days; Blurred lines; Ideas cast upon rocky ground that was thought as fertile...

Purpose. 

There are daysssssss when business is sloooooooooooooooooow. When I sit with my soul, I ask if I've done everything that I could do within my power. The answer is either yes or no. In either response, I sit, wait, praise, and express gratitude - - the solution is there; a way is being made. It never fails, a call or an email comes through that levels up all that I do. I have been able to fill every need, every single need with what I do with my hands. And it's not just because of my hands (they are my tools), I stay true to the purpose that I nourish my soul with, continually. 

Making money should never be the sole reason for starting any enterprising endeavor. It takes money to operate a business. It takes purpose to succeed in business, a business that should help others fill their needs. 

Your Turn:
Do you sometimes have to pause to recall your purpose? If you can't answer that question, just let me know your thoughts in the comments. Oh yeah, check one of the boxes below, too.



Be whole, 
Itiel

How I Stopped Caring About Women to Care About Them

(UPDATE 7/2019: Sitting here, re-reading this post, I understand that the word I wanted to use was altruism. That was the meaning I had in my head when typing truth.  Altruism, not truth as in The Truth, divine truth, which I live my life from.  So as you read this, keep that in mind altruism (or a grammatical variation of it), even in the image.  Thank you. xo
...
In The 2 Middle Fingers I Get To Put Up: Honor to The 5 Deaths of 2015, I mentioned that the fifth death prepared me to share a perspective on how to support women in their endeavors.

When it comes to the matter of separation due to the penalty of expressing oneself, after believing they were in a safe place to do so, that reality can become a hard pill to swallow. Once swallowed, digested, and passed through, the healing reveals all that you need to see clearly. One day, my healing revealed that I wasn't upset about the actual disengagement, because people leave and detachment isn't something I fear - it was the fact that I made her a priority. Sitting with the question, "Do you regret that?" I lived in my positive truth during the duration of that friendship. So, no regrets on that. None. It just will not happen again and not because of a spiteful spirit, but because I just don't care....

Do I still stand on the platform that women need each other? Absolutely! But here's the lesson that came from my death experience - you cannot make someone a priority who does not want to be one. You cannot move forward with women who do not want to be needed. Not needed in the sense of needy. Needed in the way of knowing their worth and value, and mutually seeing worth and value in other women to do what is right by them. This type of woman does not circumvent, holds herself accountable, and admits bad decisions. This woman is not perfect, but if you are a discerning woman yourself, one who can show mercy when needed, you both can move forward together. But she has to want to be needed. 

Message:

It is one of the best feelings and sense of fulfillment when a woman starts on an enterprising journey. One of the very first actions is showing support towards other women entrepreneurs. And why not? Collaboration is a beautiful thing, supporting women in their endeavors is a beautiful thing. Oftentimes, support is given to gain support. Not a bad deed, but, a person who is just giving support to get it back in return, needs to reaccess. However sincere support does not need to be forced and a woman entrepreneur who wants to be needed will take notice of the sincerity and reciprocate accordingly. If you operate from a place of truthful support, an unproductive collaboration with a woman entrepreneur should not taint (although it sucks) your give to another woman entrepreneur who sees your value. 

I stopped caring about "helping" women. I no longer seek them out to see what needs need fulfilling.  Instead, I care for them by standing in my truth: Being there when they come with a need. Assist and done; Sending information to resources that could be helpful in their endeavor. If they use it great, if they don't...; Maintaining consistency in my business, so that a women who wants to be needed will see her reflection. 

You do not have to CARE to care. 

Your Turn:

I don't have a question for you, but comment if you like. Express yourself. :o) Check one of the boxes below to share what you think about this post. 

Be Whole,

Itiel

The 2 Middle Fingers I Get to Put Up:Honor to The 5 Deaths of 2015

You are probably thinking what kind of title is this for a post on a business blog. Or, how is this going to be uplifting? If this is your first time interacting with me, then you must know I do not separate who I am from what I do, and, my message always ends with encouragement for the person who needs it. I confront women as I confront myself - wholistically. No amount of material success will generate wholeness. Therefore, that is not the platform on which I stand to encourage success in business.

What I am about to share is personal, but, I am willing to be transparent and vulnerable to help another woman committed to living her wholeness.


This year, five deaths shifted my life as I knew it.


A Mother of 5 Sons - A beautiful light who began shining in my life in 1998. Although we were not joined at the hip, moments of showing up when one of us needed it, genuine respect, and woman-to-woman encouragement were the elements that made our friendship bloom. Expressing my admiration for her renaissance woman soul, the strength and know-how to find solutions in challenging life situations, and her amazing ability to raise five brilliantly solid "black" boys, never had a problem with flowing from my lips to anyone's ears. (As I type these words, I see why our beings connected.) She called me early one morning when one of her sons went missing. Without hesitation, I became present in whatever she needed me to do. After receiving the update about him being safely at home, I could no longer reach her. That was odd. That was not like her. I knew something was not right.

Sitting in silence, I cried after learning that soon after our last interaction with each other, she had a stroke and was in a coma for about a year. She died.              


The Refined Guayanesse Woman - We met on Facebook. Never having the opportunity to meet in person, she allowed me to get to learn about the girl she was and the woman she became through her book, and we both opened up more during our warm-tone phone conversations. She was an older woman (maybe 15 years older than me) with a matter-of-fact yet empathetic demeanor. To be called on when creations were needed for guests at her events, always gave me a good feeling.

She was always purprosely moving forward in her life. Never once displaying a vain ego. Visiting her Facbook profile, one day, to see where support was needed - it was the postings from others that told me about her death. Building a friendship with someone you meet on social media is rare. I was sad.


The Young Man, The Artist - I was a teen, he was a baby boy, and it was my responsibility to comfort and care for him when his parents needed me to. I proudly did so (for more than 3 years) His mother always mentioned how calm he remained in my presence. The family moved. Years passed.

My heart was broken when I discovered the police found his body in the bay in Virginia. The funeral brochure contained his artwork (drawings). I never knew that talent was a part of him. I kept the program on a downstairs table, in a place where I could always see his beautiful smile, until I knew it was time to put it away - in a special place.


My Parent - This one is difficult to share. Let's see.... It was the last game of the NBA Finals. While Curry rejoiced and James showed disappointment, I said to myself that life will always mean something different to all three of us on that date.

Someone told me that they would be out of their mind if their parent died, and asked why wasn't I. I explained that physical death is a part of a physical life, and that while my parent was living I honored them. So although sad, I knew the life I lived with them. Two years before the death, I found myself waking up in a mourning state many times. The first time I woke up crying, I wanted to deny it - this shift wasn't coming (not right now anyway). I thought maybe I could convince myself that it was just a dream...But I knew better. What comes to me in my sleep is never frivolous. Then a year later when my parent uttered from their mouth a resolve of their physical life coming to an end.... As I mentioned, I honored my parent even before knowing about death, shift was pushing me to do so even more within that amount of time. I obeyed.


A More Than A Two Decade Friendship - Speaking of another shift that I saw on the horizon. In fact, one day, three years ago, I was having lunch with another woman who wanted my perspective on a life situation. After talking she asked if I ever experienced what she was going through. I told her no, but that I feel a similar shift coming. When asked what was I going to do. "Let it happen."

(To share a perspective on how to support women in their endeavors,  I plan to share more about this shift in another post.)

Although not a physical death, I mourned for this loss as if it was. Detachment should not be feared. Shift, in many ways, comes to help growth. But being human, I still tried to nudge it away or postpone it. Why? Because I loved love her. I remained present, showed admiration, and still wanted her to know that I was there, by making her a priority. Reflecting, I made sure that I did everything that I was obligated to do to keep the friendship viable. I did not want to be that woman - the one who leaves behind friendships with women, even when nothing offensive has taken place - leaving them to deal with their own emotions. But what kills relationships? Lack of communication. I could no longer accept the cordial text messages as reciprocation.

Acceptance. Aching soul. Tears. Angry. Sadness. Release. It's done.





Message:

I share the deaths that I experienced this year, because as women, it's the interpersonal relationships we form that shifts in ways we do not imagine that burdens us. I've observed that we lose motivation in almost all aspects of our lives. Be it a shift in an intimate relationship with a man, or the ending of a friendship with a sisterfriend, there's a tendency to allow the emotion that is needed for healing to turn into the stumbling block called emotionalism. Thus leading to not trusting others. Thus not being able to trust self. Thus hindering purpose.






I do not go around putting up my middle fingers; however, I truly understand the aggression that releases from that gesture. And that aggression is what liberated me from the sadness and heartbreak, when I was ready to come out from under. I refused to lose motivation. I refused to be tethered to the negative emotion from the last death, because I create for women and I only need (and want) them to feel joy when using my products. What did I do? I chose the affirmative, the positive, the absolute - four of those people supported me in my entrepreneurial journey. For that, I honor them ALL.

Death moves us in either of two ways: 1) Stop and get stuck; 2) Fight harder. The latter is necessary although not easy. Your purpose is counting on you.


Your Turn: Has death (physical or figurative) moved you in a favorable or unfavorable way? Check the boxes below to share what you think about this post.


Be Whole,
Itiel